Advice to HM King Charles on his unwanted visitor

Sir,

May I respectfully sympathize with you on the forthcoming ordeal of receiving Donald Trump at Windsor Castle, and offer you three practical suggestions about it? They may seem outlandish, but no possibility is too outlandish for Donald Trump.

First: strict vetting of anyone Trump proposes to foist on you in his entourage. I would not put it past Trump to offer places in it as a reward for donors. He may also seek places for contentious British guests including his good buddy Nigel Farage. One name which should certainly be vetoed is that  of  the current American Under Secretary of State, David Beattie. He has shown himself anti-British and  pro-Russian and is married to a Russian influencer. He is also a racist.

Second: you will be aware of Trump’s recent outrageous behaviour in appropriating the intended trophy for the FIFA Club World Championship. Given your long record of care for the Royal Collections, you will wish to ensure that Trump does not lay similar claim to any object in Windsor which takes his fancy. Indeed, I would invite you to lock away any gold items. I assume that some gifts have already been prepared for the President and First Lady (of course you will not wish to spoil the surprise) but you may well have to resist his covetousness  elsewhere and remind him that other items are not yours to give away, being held in trust for the British people.

Third: Trump’s recent performance of staging an impromptu Press Conference and speech on the White House roof should prompt you to initiate inquiry into the strength of all those at Windsor Castle. Can they accommodate a perambulating speechfying guest of 280 pounds who lies so frequently about his weight?

I know that Your Majesty is a devotee of  P G Wodehouse, and the Blandings Castle stories are a treasure trove of advice on coping with the problems of eccentric guests.