An apology to live in history
The event which inspired this piece on August 15 did not in fact occur
An apology the size of the Northern Hemisphere to three people in advance of the astonishing events which will make today live in history even longer than the date of Napoleon’s birthday in 1769.
I may have conveyed the impression that Donald J Trump, the World Emperor, was (in euphemism) an “undraped figure.” Specifically, I may have depicted him as an unprincipled uneducated Dotard who was set to betray Ukraine and the entire Western world at his summit with Vladimir Putin. I realize now that Trump selflessly and faultlessly conveyed this image himself for many months, enduring the worthless barbs of myself and other libtards too dense and biased to see and accept their Saviour. His final masterstroke was to make Putin believe that he imagined Ukraine to be surrounded by oceans (such as Shakespeare ascribed to Bohemia) and that he confused Alaska with Russian territory, the better to lure Putin to his doom there.
I may have given the impression that Keir Starmer was a colourless over-promoted tchnovnik with the influence over Trump of a gnat on a car windscreen and the persuasive powers of the sad “Use this product responsibly” label on the bottles of proof spirits favoured by the crazed derelict winos in the wee, small hours of my local all-night convenience stores. I may have compared his oratory to wet cardboard clogging a dustbin. I may have described summits between him and Trump as the Dotard meets the Dullard. But it was Starmer, aye, Starmer, who persuaded Trump to make his final pivot against Putin, and it was Starmer, and Starmer personally, who supplied Trump with his historic opening tirade against him, using every figure of speech from accismus to zeugma. As we have learnt, this reduced Putin to such sobs of contrition as to ruin his latest botox job.
I may have condemned the emetic embarrassing embassy of Peter Mandelson to Donald Trump, with all dissent suppressed and all compliments and flattery public and effusive. I might even have suggested that Mandelson completed a “trifecta of truckling”, to Putin and Xi Jinping in the private sector and to Trump at taxpayer’s expense. But it was Mandelson, no less, who finally persuaded Trump to turn on Putin. He used his expert knowledge of dodgy finance and its practitioners to persuade Trump that this move would enable him, with one bound, to free himself from all the Russian creditors of his troubled financial empire. And that it would make the world forget Jeffrey Epstein for all time (not that Trump ever knew him) and would spare him the embarrassment of pardoning Ghislaine Maxwell (not that either of them ever knew her.).
Finally, and most dramatically of all, it was Mandelson’s much-photographed dog Jock who set in motion the ambush on Putin. Normally the most docile of an affectionate breed, Jock bounded up to Putin with every appearance of an eager plea for another treat and a tickled tummy – and then bit him. Dog-lovers will be glad to know that Jock was administered an immediate anti-rabies shot and is expected to make a full recovery.
Putin is now a broken man. He has renounced all of his claims on Ukraine and on any other country outside what is left of the Russian Federation, in which he has resigned all of his offices. He is holed up on the fifth floor of a building specially constructed by the Trump Organization, whose windowmakers were trained in recent Russia. He has revealed all details of his personal stolen fortune and offered it in restitution to his victims in Ukraine, Russia and elsewhere. He has not even asked to retain the last $10 million of it such as he used to leave, insultingly, to his own former over-mighty subjugated subjects. He has revealed the full dirty details of other sizeable and seizable Russian money and assets and their true owners and all those who abetted their concealment.
He pleads only for one last new face, his pension as an overpromoted tchinovnik in the renamed KGB, and the opportunity to bus tables at the obscurest of Trump’s resorts.