His Excellency Eats At The Jock Table

Years ago, in one of the many nadirs of a literary career in which sea level represents a zenith, I had an idea for an American teenage novel or movie and decided to study the competition. I would find a regular dismal stock scene in high school. Some toady would inveigle himself onto the “jock table” at lunch time and try to flatter the bullies into picking on someone else.

 I thought of this scene when I read the story of Peter Mandelson congratulating himself on his visits to a high-end Washington eatery called Butterworths, which has become the hang-out for Donald Trump’s most loyal and privileged supporters, particularly those rallying to him noisily against Elon Musk.

Foot will I never set in the place. Fain would I nibble a stale rusk in the dustiest attic suite in the Hay-Adams. My big toe began to vibrate at the mere illustration of the goutiferous menu and the diners: rich awful meats and rich offal patrons. 

In a matter of weeks, His Excellency became such a fixture there as to be invited to unveil his own commemorative plaque. The story left such a bad taste in my mouth that I reached for my new plaque-removing toothpaste.

Setting aside, in the interest of strict objectivity, my own view, which I have never asked anyone to share, that His Excellency leaves a trail on his travels like that of an incontinent slug on a garden path, I have put a few questions of general interest to David Lammy, Britain's Foreign Secretary and his nominal boss.

One: should any British ambassador anywhere be handing out free publicity to any local non-British business, least of all an eatery in an intensely competitive environment such as Washington. It is bound to attract jealousy and (perhaps literally) backbiting from rivals. 

 Two: Did HE actually pay for his meals there? And at the prices shown on the menu?

 Three: Did we taxpayers fund all or any of the cost, especially the tips, which are terribly important in any American eatery, and can make all the difference between being seated next to the service entrance, the “comfort stations” or even at all and being seated at one’s own table with a commemorative plaque?

 Four: has HE visited any restaurants outside Washington where a more representative sample of American voters eat regularly, such as McDonald's, KFC and Burger King? I accept that at the present time it would be provocative of him to visit a TACO Bell.

 Five: Can Mr Lammy make sense of the statement ascribed to his underling in the eatery? “Although we don’t have identical politics, we are familiar with masters of the same drivers that brought our respective figures to power – President Trump in your case and Keir Starmer in mine”. If it means what I think it means, does the government believe that the Prime Minister and Donald Trump are kindred political souls? Incidentally, the co-proprietor of Butterworth’s, the Reform supporter Mr Kassam, perpetrated a metaphor worthy of Keir Starmer in declaring that “Washington is a cut-throat city, but if you want to represent the country in a serious diplomatic way, you have to reach out to all sides.” Er, presumably with multiple razors.

Trivial in itself, the restaurant plaque story – and the publicity engineered for it – summarizes His Excellency’s entire approach to Donald Trump and his administration and his supporters. Complete acquiescence in anything they say and do, however obnoxious or harmful to our interests and those of our allies. Nothing whatever which might shake the faith of American voters in their Leader. Regular doses of flattery. All at the direction of Keir Starmer. For students of the 1930s, it combines the diplomatic skills of Sir Nevile Henderson (our fatal man in Berlin before the war) and the journalistic skills of the Daily Mail’s special foreign correspondent George Ward Price. Although the term was not in use at the time Price was at pains to show Hitler as “a people person”, as His Excellency has publicly characterized Donald Trump

Keir Starmer really should know that this approach did not work in the 1930s. And it does not work now in American high school stories.